Spoilers: Preview for Episode 18.
Summary: When Dila catches Gunesh having dinner with Kuzgun and his family, all hell breaks loose.
Dila watched from the shadows as the group enjoyed their dinner, unaware of her presence. A thousand knife wounds pierced through her as she observed the friendly hospitality Kumru and Miriam showered Gunesh with, something Dila herself never got to experience. They hated her, she knew that, even understood it logically because what she did as a child was unforgivable yet they seemed to have welcomed Ferman’s sister into their home with open arms. Remembering the contemptuous way Kumru had treated her, Dila swallowed the lump in her throat. And then there was Kuzgun. Laughing, smiling, like he was so happy. Carefree, even – a side of him she’d rarely seen. Her anger was ready to explode, the pain unbearable, and she couldn’t stand the sight of them any longer. She turned around quickly to rush back to her car only to crash against some teenage kid who had snuck up behind her.
“What are you doing here, lady? What do you want?” the teenager prodded in a loud voice, blocking her path.
“Get out of my way!” Dila barked, sidestepping past him. She sped down the street, her rage so potent she needed to scream to unleash it all.
Her heart was pounding in her ears by the time she reached her car when, suddenly, someone gripped her arm and whirled her around. Kuzgun stood facing her, his smug smile firmly in place. “Stalking me now, Dila?”
“What the fuck are you doing with Ferman’s sister? What the hell are you up to?”
Surprise flitted across his features but it disappeared quickly, leaving her to think she must have imagined it.
“Why do you care who I’m with?” He took a step closer, his eyes glinting with arrogance. “I thought you’d moved on with your precious Ferman.”
“I know how you operate. I’m not going to let you ruin another woman’s life just so you can have your revenge!”
The small amount of space between them shrunk as he moved in even closer. “Is that what’s really bothering you, Dila?” he murmured in a voice so soft it hummed against her skin. “Or are you just using that as a convenient excuse?”
Furious, she grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket to confront him. “Stay away from Gunesh. She doesn’t need to be corrupted by someone like you.”
“And what if I don’t? She’s a beautiful girl and I’m in the market for a wife. Maybe we’ll get married, I can throw a big party for the neighbourhood.” Red-hot anger flooded over Dila. She moved to slap him but he blocked the action, grabbing her hand instead. He pulled her towards him, her body secured against his. “Doesn’t feel too good having it thrown in your face, does it?”
“Fuck you!” she spat out
“You still love me or you wouldn’t be here.”
“Go to hell!”
“I’m already there.”
She intended to push him away but her hands seemed to move of their own free will, cupping his face. Her lips closed over his, madness flooded over her. She kissed him with a desperate urgency that unfurled from deep within, a compulsion that couldn’t be stopped. He returned the kiss with equal ferocity, a man possessed.
Where she was didn’t matter. Only that she was with him. Only that she was in his arms, and he was carrying her to somewhere the world wouldn’t see them.
The first time they’d made love was imprinted in her brain, ready to torment her at any moment, but this was different. This was insanity. His hands ripping her skirt, her fingers unzipping his trousers. His teeth nipping at her neck, her nails curling into his back.
“Dila,” he groaned, over and over again, every time he thrust into her.
She clung to him, on the precipice of the unknown, holding on tightly so he wouldn’t turn on her, praying he wouldn’t hurt her.
The pressure inside her built rapidly, her release was palpable. When she finally reached climax, a scream tore from her lungs. She didn’t recognize her own voice. This wasn’t her.
He caressed her cheeks, his beard bruised her skin. “Dila…” his lips grazed her forehead. “I… missed you.” His head rested on her chest, heavy, too heavy, carving out a place deep within her soul.
The alley was dark and dirty. This was where he’d dragged her, where she belonged in his life. Not at the table with his mother and sister, not the recipient of his respect or love. And she’d walked into it willingly, because a part of her still believed that’s what she deserved. “Let me go.”
He pulled away, releasing her so she was standing securely on the ground. She felt the aftermath of his orgasm between her thighs. Slick. Wet. There were physical reminders of him all over her body and soul. Wounds she helped him deliver herself. She used the torn fabric of her skirt on the ground to wipe between her thighs, determined to remove traces of him.
Kuzgun stepped back.
She sensed his hurt. A part of her wanted to think he was genuinely pained rather than simply angry about the blow to his pride but she didn’t trust herself. She had no faith in her own judgement, one of the worst consequences of her relationship with him. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself together and started walking back to her car. Steady, Dila. Breathe, Dila.
“Go. Run back to your angel of light.” His scoffing voice taunted her from behind. “Call before you show up the next time. I might be busy with Gunesh.”
Mocking her came so natural to him, as easy as breathing. She turned around, surprised by her her own calmness. She stared at Kuzgun, he was still in the alley. “That day when I went to kill Behram I was ready. I had prepared. I said my goodbyes and I knew exactly what I was going to do. Kill him, and then myself.” She stilled, remembering that day. “And then I woke up in a stranger’s house, and I was so angry. I was so pissed that he’d saved me. That he hadn’t let me die. I didn’t talk to him at first, not for days. But he’d always just be there. Quiet, not saying anything, sometimes even reading to me.” A bitter laugh escaped her throat. “I thought maybe he saved me just so he can torture me again, kill me slower, you know? Even though he was always kind, I couldn’t trust my instincts about him after you.” She stared at the ground. “I was so broken. I’d have nightmares where I killed my entire family. Sometimes I’d even dream that you would shoot them one by one while I stood by and did nothing. Defne would be begging me to stop you but I wouldn’t. Those nightmares were terrible. I’d wake up hysterical and screaming, but he would be there within minutes… he’d console me until I stopped screaming. He’d sit there until I fell asleep again.” Her lips were dry, her throat parched. “Little by little, I started getting better. He helped me glue myself back together. I started being hopeful again, even thinking about a future. It kind of snuck up on me, wanting to live again.” She bit her bottom lip, taking a few deep breaths. “But I ruined that all tonight. I did that. I helped you drag me right back into it.” She peered at the blank expression on Kuzgun’s face. “You’re poison for me. You make me feel… so small, worthless. Like I’m nothing. I hope no one ever makes you feel that way, Kuzgun, because it really hurts.” She rubbed the scar on her chest, it felt tight again. “I have to tell Ferman what I did here tonight. I have to look him in the eye and tell him. And he’ll hate me for it.” Her lips trembled. “He’ll see me the way you see me and it’s my fault.”
She turned around, started walking back to her car. Her knees were wobbly, her heart racing.
The drive back home was short, too short. And she sat in her parked car for a long time, preparing herself for the inevitable. Eventually Ferman came to the passenger side, knocked on the window. She unlocked the door and he slid inside.
“Are you okay?” he aked.
Silence filled the air between them. Thick with tension, she could no longer bear it. “I have to tell you something.”