Rated: M for Mature
Spoilers: Episode 19
Dila ran. As fast as she could, as quickly as possible from everything that was unraveling in front of her. She heard her name being called from behind, maybe it was Ferman, maybe even Kuzgun, but she didn’t turn around. All she wanted was to escape.
The ground was cold and uncomfortable, but she was too tired, her body too fatigued to move. Curled up on her side, she gave in to sleep under the tree that helped heal so many of her past hurts.
The nightmares were vivid and torturous. Gunesh and Kuzgun kissing. Her father being shot over and over again, sometimes by her, other times by Kuzgun and Behram. The visions all melded together to torment her. In the end it was the graphic images of Kuzgun making love to someone else that startled her awake. Her eyes flew open, her heart pounding. The last thing she remembered was falling asleep under the tree but now she was in an unfamiliar room, on someone’s bed.
His voice cut through the fog of sleep immediately. She held herself still, afraid to move.
“I know you’re awake, Dila.”
His mocking voice jolted her out of her stupor. How dare he sounded so smug when he’d broken her heart again? Loving him had ripped her up so many times to the point she had no idea who she was even anymore. But whatever they shared hadn’t impacted him at all, no matter how desperately she wanted to believe it had.
Her back was to him, at least there was that. She couldn’t bear to look at him so she pushed the covers away, swung her legs over to the side and sat up. His watch and phone were sitting on the nightstand table; she ignored the urge to smash them. Looking down she noticed her sweater was rumpled and she pulled it into place, surveying the space in front of her for her shoes. They were probably close to the door but that would mean looking over her shoulder and seeing him and she didn’t want to do that. Her stomach was twisted into knots, she felt sick; she had to get out of here. She said a silent prayer for her legs not to give out, and took a grateful breath when they seemed to be steady. On her feet, she turned around to head for the door but stopped in her tracks when she saw Kuzgun standing in front of it. He was in the same blue t-shirt and jeans from earlier; her heart fluttered at the sight of him. Even after everything, he still had that effect on her. Would that ever change? It had to.
“Get out of my way,” she said, surprised by how calm she sounded even to her own ears.
He leaned back against the door, his hand around the knob. A devastating smile curved along his lips. “No.”
“I will push you out of the way.”
It was a ridiculous threat, and he knew it. He laughed. “I’d love to see you try.”
His eyes twinkled. “Then I’ll have to kiss you to shut you up.”
“Because it’s so easy for you, isn’t it? You can kiss Gunesh and me both on the same day and not feel anything at all, would you? Because that’s who you are. You don’t care who you hurt.”
He cocked his eyebrow, jaw clenched. “You’re the one who’s engaged to someone else, remember? So why do you care who I kiss?”
“I don’t,” she spat out at him.
He snickered. “That’s why you ran out of there? Because you didn’t care?” Determination settled on his face, his eyes burning with dark intent. “Why I found you at our spot, curled up on the ground?”
Why was he doing this to her? Why couldn’t he just let her have some dignity? His pride was the most important thing to him, he would never bow his head to anyone, but he didn’t give anyone else the same privilege. It was always his way. His rules, his revenge, his world. No one else mattered. Rage pulsed through her, she was furious. For days now he’d been goading her, provoking her, throwing everything in her face just to get a reaction. It’s like he couldn’t believe she’d dared to move on from him, but it wasn’t even that – it was the fact she’d done it with Ferman. His enemy. Once again, she was secondary. Dispensable. Her body began to tremble, her breath stuck in her throat. Anxiety surged through her, like it had started to do after she shot herself. Not now, not now, not now. Her vision was a blur, she couldn’t speak, her heart pounding. Her pills. She needed her pills. It hurt so bad, she doubled over with pain. Not now, not in front of him. She didn’t want him to see her like this. Ever. Her heart was palpitating, she was dying.
“Dila, Dila, look at me.” He was cradling her face, holding her tight. Too close. He was too close. “Breathe, Dila. Breathe,” he urged, forcing her to look at him. His voice was shaking as he continued to speak. “Breathe with me, Dila. Breathe.”
She shook her head ‘no’, tears blurring her vision. “I… can’t…” She struggled to speak, her heart was going to burst.
His hand was on her heart. He drew in a long breath, exhaled it out. “Like this, Dila. Like this. Breathe with me.” He repeated the breathing action.
She shook her head ‘no’. “Can’t.”
“Yes, yes, you can,” he said forcefully. “Look at me, look at me.” He swiped the tears from her face. “You can do it. I promise. Just look at me.”
Her hands fisted his t-shirt, she felt dizzy. She was going to fall. She was going to die. Her heart would explode.
“One.” He breathed in. “Two.” He breathed out. “One.” Breathed in again.
She started copying him, doing what he was doing. One. Two. One Two. His hand tapped against her heart, mimicking the rhythm of their breaths.
Slowly the world stopped spinning, and the pain inside her began to lessen. His eyes were darkened, gleaming, a petrified expression on his face. Concerned, she touched his cheek, fingers running through his beard. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Are you okay?”
Shock flooded over his face, he peered at her closely. “I…” The words died out as his hands cupped her face, his lips grazing her forehead. He was still shaking, and she clung to him to calm him down.
“How often does that happen” he finally asked.
Reality began to sink in, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She started to pull away but he enveloped her in his arms. For a moment she let herself sink into him, breathing him in. He felt so good, his hug reminiscent of all the treasured, wonderful memories buried in her heart. She closed her eyes, told herself she was going to enjoy this for only a minute. That was all. One minute.
He began stroking her hair, his tongue so gentle it made her ache.
“I have to go.”
He didn’t ease his grip. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“I don’t belong here.” The words hurt even as she spoke them out loud. She didn’t belong with him, in his home, at his table, in his world. Once upon a time they were two bodies, one soul, but that was no longer the case.
“Wrong, Dila. You’re exactly where you belong.”
She ordered herself to remove her arms from around his waist, to walk away. Yet her hold remained. She didn’t want to move, even if he had kissed Gunesh earlier. The image was burned into her brain, she felt sick again. “You kissed her,” she said into his t-shirt.
“She kissed me after she told me who she really was. I had no idea she felt that way.” There was no arrogance in his voice, no sense of mockery. “I don’t want her.”
“Because she’s Ferman’s cousin.”
His fingers tucked under her chin and tilted her face up to meet his gaze. Her heart squeezed at the unabashed emotion in his eyes. “Because she’s not you.”
Her resolve broke. Everything she’d been trying to control unravelled all at once. Before she could stop herself, she closed her mouth over his.
The spark was instant, the bond between them stronger than ever before.
His touch was frantic, her mouth wild on his. While he pulled her so close she was crushed against his chest, she started unzipping his jeans. He didn’t pull the sweater over her head, he ripped the fabric apart along with the necklace. Whirling her around in his arms, he traced the contour of her spine while unhooking her bra. His hands worked their way towards the front of her jeans, flicking the button open, pulling them down roughly. She groaned, grinding against him, desperate to feel him.
The bed was only a few feet away, but they didn’t make it. Not when his hands were all over her skin, his tongue lapping at her nipples. She needed him, she wanted him, it had been too long since he was on top of her, his body solid and heavy. Her skin flushed hot laid against the cold floor, his mouth possessing her again. Amidst the madness she reached out to stroke him, wrapping her fingers around his cock but he growled impatiently, trapping her hands over her head.
She bit his shoulder, clawed at his back, her hips rising up to meet his thrusts while he claimed her as his own.
It was sheer madness and they were consumed by it all.
Dila woke up from a dream of her mother singing to her to find herself cocooned in Kuzgun’s arms. He was awake and watching her, smiling so languidly her heart flipflopped several times in her chest. “What?” she asked feeling self-conscious.
He shook his head, still smiling.
She reached up to stroke his cheek only to realise her wedding band was back on her finger.
“You’re here, right? This isn’t a dream?” he asked.
She met his gaze, surprised by the insecurity in his voice. She was used to his rage, his arrogance, his snide remarks and cutting brutality, but not this vulnerability. “I’m right here.”
His jaw clenched. “I dreamed about you so many times when you were gone. I would feel so real, like you were right here with me but then it would fade.” He kissed the tips of her fingers, as if to distract himself. “I’d remember what you looked like laying there that day, unconscious, bleeding, and how I couldn’t help you.”
The tension in him was palpable, and it ached her to see him so anxious. Dila peppered kisses on his chest to comfort him.
“Do you love me, Dila?”
“Yes,” she replied without hesitation. There was no point in denying the truth. “But I wish I didn’t.”
Regret washed over his face, he nodded his head. “I know. If I could go back and change things, I would, but I can’t.”
She drew a breath, holding it in when his finger circled the scar on her breast. His gaze remained fixed upon it, fear evident on his face. “If I promise to never lead you down this path again, will you forgive me?”
As much as she loved him, she hadn’t forgiven him. She didn’t know how. “I don’t know.”
“Will you try?”
She sat up in bed, pulling the comforter to her chest. He followed suit. “You want me to tell you that if you do this, this and this I will forgive you. You want a contract, but I can’t do that. Because I don’t know, I don’t know when my heart will be okay again. If that’s what you want, then…” She closed her eyes, disappointed. She wanted him to fight for her, want her, without any deals or agreement between them.
“So you want me to risk everything and you might not even forgive me?”
She turned to look at him. “That’s what love is. It’s a risk. It’s taking a chance and trusting someone with your heart, even when they keep pushing you away.” Like he had done, many times. “I want to be loved without any conditions attached.” Her eyes glistened. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I’d die for you.”
“I know, but that’s not what I want. Death is easy, Kuzgun. It’s living with uncertainty that’s hard. It’s loving someone, trusting someone, without guarantees that’s difficult. Can you do that?”
His eyes locked with hers. “I don’t have a choice. You’re the only one I love.” There was no hesitation in his voice, no trepidation. “I’m yours.”
Her heart soared at his words but there was that fear again, rearing its ugly head, manifesting itself physically as a throbbing wound. Instinctively she reached out to touch the scar, rubbing it gently. Except this time his hand covered her own, shielding her. She glanced up at him. “I’m scared.”
“Your family. My family. Ferman-”
He placed his finger on her lips, shutting her up. “Is that what you’re worried about? We’ll get through that. Don’t worry.”
He said it with such confidence, it made her smile. She wasn’t alone in this. She touched his lips, following the shape of them with her finger. “Then what scares you?”
For so long she wanted him to open up, to expose his true emotions, and now that it was happening, she almost couldn’t stand it. Her heart was so full, it was ready to jump out of her chest. There was nothing she could say. So she simply leaned in and kissed him.
A/N – Still sad about the cancellation 🙁